The Memory That Jack Left Buried
by KorovaMilkBar
Summary: Arcee hears Jack at night, distressed and crying. The only thing she can understand is the name "Johny". June won't give her any answers, so she takes invasive measures to figure out what's wrong. With a look inside Jack's mind, she learns of a tragic secret, and that he had known more about loss than she realized.


Jack laid silently on the medical berth in Ratchet's med bay. His form was still, and his eyes closed. Arcee had never seen her partner so peaceful before. When he was awake, he was always on the move, working, studying, or chasing after Miko. She wished he could be at ease like this more often. But for the past few weeks, even his sleep wasn't giving him much peace. In the late hours of the night, from the Darby household garage, Arcee could hear him. It started off with some ramblings, and incoherant words. But as time went on, they got a bit more intense. Arcee knew that Jack was suffering from what humans called nightmares, but it seemed abnormal to her for him to suffer from them so consistently. Pretty soon, Jack's nightly pleads turned to painful sobs. Jack had started crying in his sleep. The only thing she could make out from his tears, was the name "Johny". Arcee had tried to talk to June about Jack's nightly troubles, but once she said the name Johny, June would immediately go silent. She would only say that she'd talk to Jack herself. Whatever they talked about, Arcee couldn't hear because they would go to the second floor of the house. Arcee never tried to ask Jack about who Johny was, fearing how he would react. Finally, she decided to do something, something admittedly underhanded. She brought Jack to base, as she would any other day. She called June ahead of time, and told her that she was helping Jack with a project, and that he would stay later than usual. Once Miko and Raf were taken home, she shot Jack with a tranquilizer dart she had gotten from Fowler (kind of an ass pull, I know), and asked Ratchet to hook him up to a Cortical Psychic Patch modified for humans. This was originally used to learn the secrets of captured M.E.C.H. soldiers. With this, Ratchet could peek inside Jackson's mind, and his memories. Arcee knew that this was both invasive and unethical. Jack would most likely be unhappy with her, perhaps even feel betrayed. But Arcee was desperate to help Jack, and this seemed like the only solution. Optimus agreed that he would not be present during the mental invasion of privacy for Jack's sake, and Ratchet agreed that he would not reveal whatever he learned to anyone. Unfortunately, Miko initiated a last minute sleepover, and had returned to base along with Rafael. Optimus had ordered them to leave the main hall until Ratchet had finished with Jack, but of course Miko didn't listen and the others got dragged along with her. That's what they claimed anyway. Arcee and Ratchet had a feeling that they were just being nosy, and wanted an inside look at what went on in Jack's mind. Nevertheless, the procedure had already begun. The sooner Arcee found out what was wrong with Jack, the sooner she could help her partner. Soon, Jack's memories were displayed on the monitor.

Jack was sitting in his room, a place Arcee had never seen. Miko commented on the very childlike bed sheets, toy boxes, and crayon drawings. Rafael concluded that this was Jack as a boy. The younger Jackson looked at himself in the mirror, revealing a much smaller, happier Jack. He was even smaller than Raf, and had less hair than he had now.

"Aaaawwww, isn't Jacky so cute." Miko joked with an exaggerated baby accent. Arcee, however, didn't disagree. This Jack was nothing short of precious. She was simply smiling at her pint sized partner, but she was practically squeeing internally. Even she had to admit that Jack was adorable as a little boy. Suddenly, Jack was lifted up into the air, and thrown on his bed. He let out a burst of laughter.

"BOOM, Jacky Bomb!" An older, but still young voice said. Jack looked up to a boy that looked almost exactly like his teen self. He was still younger than Jack, had lighter hair that was a bit longer, and he had green eyes instead of stormy blue.

"Tickle Attack!" The older boy began tickling Jack, who started laughing uncontrollably.

"T-Rex comin' to get ya!" Jack continued to laugh his aft off, as the boy kept tickling him while roaring like an animal. It warmed Arcee's spark to see that there was a time when Jack was actually a kid, and not an adult trapped in a kid's body.

"Stop! Stop! I'm gonna pee my pants! Stop Johny!"

Arcee froze when Jack said the same name that she kept hearing him say in his sleep. This was Johny? Was he an older brother or something? Jack had never mentioned having an older sibling. If that was the case, why hadn't she seen him? She looked over to the sleeping Jack, and was shocked to see that he was not happy like his younger self. In fact, she could see tears forming in his eyes.

"Johny." She heard him whisper.

"Jack?" She whispered to herself.

Suddenly, the screen faded to a new setting. Actually, it was the same, but different at the same time. It was still Jack's room, but all the toys and crayon drawings were gone. Now his room was decorated with posters of motorcycles, magazines about video games and vehicles, and his bed sheets were blue and white instead of decorated with cartoon characters. Once again, he looked in the mirror, and this time, he looked a little closer to the Jack they all knew. He was still much younger than he was now, but his hair had begun to take the shape they all became familiar with. It didn't take long to notice that Jack had been crying. Arcee thought she was about to get some answers. A knock was heard at the door, and an older looking Johny walked in. He was much bigger now, more muscular. His hair was even longer, enough to tie into a ponytail.

"Hey little bro."

'So he is his brother." Arcee thought.

"Jacks got a brother? I thought he was like a cousin or somethin'." Miko commented. "What the heck Jack, you keepin' secrets from us."

"Shh!" Arcee said harshly. She didn't want to hear Miko's thoughtless commentary on something this important.

Johny sat next to Jack, seemingly sad about something. Jack looked down at the floor, unwilling to make eye contact. Johny then pulled Jack into a tight hug, and didn't let go for full minute. Arcee concluded that Johny was at least a loving brother.

"I'm sorry Jack. I'm sorry this happened."

"Is Mom okay?"

"No, she isn't. What about you?"

"No." Jack then began crying, causing Johny to hug him once again.

"It's okay Jack. Go'head and let it out little brother."

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why did he leave?"

'Oh.' Arcee thought. This must've been when Jack's father left him and June...and Johny.

"I don't know."

"Was it because of us?"

"No Jack...Hey we don't need him."

"What...What do you..."

"If he doesn't want us, then screw'em. We'll be fine without him. We've got each other, that's all we need. But Mom needs us now, and we have to be strong for her. You understand Jack?"

Jack sniffed, and nodded his head. He seemed to calm down a bit.

"Johny?"

"Yeah Jack?"

"You're not gonna leave are you?"

"Hell no Jack. I'm here, I ain't goin' nowhere."

Jack hugged his brother, and didn't let go.

"I love you bro."

"I love you too, Cracker Jack."

Jack laughed a bit.

"I hate it when you call me that."

"Too bad."

Arcee looked to Jack again. He was still upset, but no more than before. This can't be the nightmare he was having. Suddenly, the scene changed again. When it did, Arcee saw Jack tense up. This time, he was one his bike, peddling home from school. He walked up to his house, and stopped at the front door. Arcee could hear arguing voices on the other side. When Jack entered the house, she could tell that it was Johny and June. Jack stopped in the living room, hearing the argument coming from upstairs.

"Is this the kind of person you wanna be?! This the kind of _brother_ you wanna be to Jackson?!"

"Don't bring Jack into this!"

"He looks up to you Johny! This is the example you're setting for him?!"

"Jack's not stupid! He ain't gonna touch this shit!"

"He deserves better than this John! You need help!"

"I don't need anything!"

"You don't need your family either?! Because guess what's gonna happen if you don't go somewhere and get yourself cleaned up! You're gonna lose us! Then who's gonna be there for Jackson?!"

Arcee looked at Jack again, and saw this his breathing had elevated. This must be the nightmare. Jack put his backpack down, and walked into one of the other rooms. This room was like Jack's, decorated with posters and magazines. But it was alot messier than his room. This must've been Johny's room. Jack looked around, and saw a gun on his bed. Arcee could hear both Jacks gasp at the sight of it. He then saw a metal container by the gun, and picked it up off the bed. When he opened it, what he saw made both Jacks hold their breaths. Arcee and the other 'Bots didn't know what it was, but Miko and Rafael did. A syringe needle, rubber tubing, a burnt spoon, a cotton ball, and little bag of brownish yellow powder. Jack's breathing was getting worse.

"Jack?"

Jack looked around, and saw Johny. He looked completely different from before. He was no longer muscular. Now he looked thinner, almost sickly, His hair was messier, and his eyes looked dulled over. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that he had become an addict, at least for the humans. Jack looked at his arm, and saw all the track marks from where he would mainline. Johny looked at his little brother with absolute shame in his eyes.

"Cracker Jack..."

Jack said nothing, he just ran past Johny.

"Jack wait!"

Jack didn't stop. Instead, he walked straight into the garage and closed the door behind him. He was out of breath by the time he leaned up against it. Arcee may not have known what it was that Jack found, but she knew it had scared him up pretty bad. Jack then spotted a familiar silver helmet on the desk in the garage. He walked over to it, and held it close like a security blanket. Then he began crying to himself. The present Jack was now crying too. But this still wasn't the nightmare. The door opened up, and Jack saw his mother with tears in her eyes.

"Jackson..."

"Did you know?!"

June looked as shameful as Johny did.

"Yes...Jack...I'm sorry."

"When?!"

"Not long after your father left."

"What are we gonna do?!"

"I don't..."

Suddenly, a loud gunshot came from inside the house, and both Jack's suddenly stopped breathing. Everyone in the base braced themselves for the worst. Jack stormed back into the house. Arcee heard her partner breathing heavily again. He ran towards his brother's room. He was hyperventilating now. He struggled to opened the locked door. Now he sounded like he was having a heart attack. He kicked the door open, and time stood still.

"Johny" present Jack whispered.

Every being at the base was left speechless. No one could say a thing. Arcee's optics were wider than they had ever been.

'What would you know about loss?' In this moment, those harsh words became one of her biggest regrets.

Jack's brother was lying on the floor in front of his bed, gun in hand, and blood pouring from the side of his head. He wasn't moving, or breathing. Jack dropped to his knees, and let out the most gut wrenching cry any of them had ever heard. Miko grabbed Rafael and shielded his vision. She herself had shut her eyes, as tears were falling down her cheeks. Arcee couldn't bear to see it, but she couldn't look away. Jack was wailing over his brother's body, ripping the spark right out of her chamber. She could only lift her servo to her mouth, and watch as her partner experienced the worst emotonal pain of his life. Then, the sound of a woman's gasp caught her attention. She turned around, and saw June Darby with tears in her eyes. She had both hands over mouth. She seemed to be frozen in place. None of them had even heard her car pull in.

"What is this? Why are you watching this?"

Before Arcee could answer, the sound of Jack's cries from his berth caught everyone's attention.

"Johny?! Johny!"

June rushed to her remaining son's side, and tried her best to calm him down. That's when she noticed the machine he was hooked up to.

"What is this?!"

"Cortical Psychic Patch." Ratchet explained. "It see's into Jack's mind."

"You're doing this him?!"

Arcee stepped in between June and Ratchet.

"No June, we're just trying to see what Jack's been having nightmares about."

"TURN IT OFF NOW!"

Her voice was filled with rage, the likes of which none of Team Prime had ever seen before. Ratchet shut down the patch, and June tried her best to wake her son from his nightmare.

"Johny! I'm sorry Johny!"

"Jack! Baby! It's me! It's Mom."

"No, Johny Please!"

"Jackson, Please Wake Up!"

Jack finally opened his eyes, and saw the frightened face of his mother. He was painfully out of breath, and his eyes were bloodshot red. He took no notice to where he was, and who else was watching. He simply buried his face into his mother's shoulder, and let every bit emotion he had buried out.

"Shhhh, it's okay sweety. It was just a dream."

"Johny...Mom."

Jacks crying was constantly halted by sharp inhales. The poor boy could barely breathe. June was trying her best to keep it together for her son, but she too was crying with him. Miko held Rafael tightly, crying for the pain of her friend. Rafael was too scared to say anything.

"It's my fault Mom. It was my fault."

"No baby, it was my fault. I didn't notice soon enough. I shouldn't have kept it from you. I'm so sorry Jack. Johny loved you, but he hated himself."

"It hurts."

"I know it does...it's okay. Let it out Jack. You don't have to hold it in anymore."

The Autobots were completely sparkbroken. Never before had they seen the leader of their human companions in such a state. Optimus had let his curiosity get the better of him, and had witnessed the whole thing. He hated to see Jackson like this. He wanted nothing more than to hold the boy to his chassis, and let him know that he was not alone. Arcee felt only guilt. How could she have believed that Jack had never experienced loss? Losing Tailgate and Cliffjumper hurt her spark. But she was a soldier, she was prepared to deal with loss. Jack was just a kid who lost his brother, someone he looked up to. He saw his brother's corpse with his own two eyes. And the worse part, he blamed himself for it. All this time, he hid this secret from everybody, and he dealt with it alone. Well, he didn't have to anymore. No matter what happened, Arcee wanted to be there for Jack the way he was there for her. She was gonna help him get through this. She walked towards him, sadness in her optics.

"Jack."

Jack looked up and saw Arcee, trying her best to reassure him with a smile. But he did not smile back. It suddenly dawned on him where he was right now, and who was there. Without hesitation, Jack ran as fast as he could towards the corridor.

"Jack wait!"

Arcee's pleads were ignored, and Jack was gone. He didn't even notice Optimus watching him as he passed.

"What did you do?!"

June was furious.

"I was just trying to help June."

"I told you to leave it alone, not go poking around in his head and invade his thoughts!"

Bumblebee tried to reason with June, but of course she didn't understand him.

"Bumblebee's right. Arcee said Jack was having these dreams every night. He needed help." Rafael spoke up.

"And this is how you thought to do it?! You had no right Arcee!"

"I know June, and I'm sorry. But I was too afraid to ask Jack. I thought it would be too difficult for him to talk about."

"Oh, because this was just so much easier for him!"

As June verbally reprimanded Arcee, Optimus walked down the corridor, and into the room where Jackson hid himself. In the dark, he saw the raven haired youth sitting in a corner with his head buried in his arms. He looked up, and saw Optimus standing in the doorway. His optics were glowing in the dark room, and Jack could see the sadness within them. As he approached him slowly, Jack avoided his gaze. Optimus reached Jackson, knelt down, and offered a servo to the honorary Prime. Jack looked at it with uncertainty.

"Jackson."

Jack stepped onto his servo. Optimus then held Jack to his chassis, and stroked his back with a single digit of his other servo. This comforted Jack a little bit, enough to calm him down.

"Jack, I am sorry that you experienced such a terrible loss at such a young age. And I am sorry that it happened under such traumatizing circumstances. And I am sorry that you feel responsible for your brother's death. But I can say with absolute certainty, that what happened to your brother was not your doing."

Jack looked at at Optimus, who looked back with gentle optics.

"I did not know your brother Johny, but I know that taking his own life was his decision alone. It is not your fault Jackson, and I believe that he would agree with me."

"It hurts, Optimus."

"Indeed it does Jack. I know this pain well. And I know that talking to those who care about you will help ease that pain over time. But bottling your emotions up can only make that pain worse, as you no doubt realize. Know that we are here for you Jack. Each of us considers you, your mother, Miko, and Rafael to be family, And while I do not agree with Arcee's methods, know that her spark was in the right place. I believe that you needed this Jack, so that you may move forward from this tragedy."

Jack let out a few more sobs before looking at Optimus again.

"Thank you Optimus."

"You are very welcome Jack. Now let us get back to the others, who are no doubt worried about you."

"Yeah...okay."

Optimus walked back to the main hall, still holding Jack to his chassis. In the hall, he was met with the worried and sad expression of the people he called family. His partner kept her head down, feeling too ashamed to look at him. Optimus let Jack down, and he stood awkwardly for a moment. No one said anything. Jack saw his mother, who was worried as she ever was. Jack walked over to her, and hugged her tighter than he ever had in his entire life.

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you more, Jackson."

"I miss him."

"I do too honey. I had to bury my oldest son. I never want to feel that pain again Jackson. I never want to see you in that kind of pain again."

Arcee finally worked up the nerve to talk to her partner.

"Jack..I..."

Jack said nothing. He just walked over and hugged her leg as tight as he could.

"I'm sorry 'Cee, I should've told you."

"No Jack...Yeah, you should've, but I should've just asked you about it, instead of snooping around in your brain."

Arcee knelt down, and held Jack close. She could feel him trembling in her servo. How it hurt to see her partner like this. But now that it was all out in the open, she could help him get through this tragic loss. She pulled away to look him in his blue eyes.

"Listen Jack, if I could take the pain you feel away, and put it on me, I would in less than a click. I can't bring your brother back. But you still have a big sister who'll always be here for you. I'm here Jack, and I'm not going anywhere."

"...Promise?"

"I promise, partner...I love you, Jack."

Jack hugged Arcee again.

"I love you 'Cee. All of you guys, I don't know what I'd do without you."

Jack felt something latch around his waist. He looked down to see Rafael embracing him tightly. Miko came up from behind, and glomped him as hard as she could. They all stood in silence, comforting each other the way only a family could.

Everyone was asleep or in recharge at the base, everyone except Jack. Even though he felt better about everything, he still felt bothered by something that wouldn't let him sleep. He got up from his sleeping bag, and walked down to the ground floor. He went to the corridor, and back into the room where Optimus had found him. He sat up against the wall, and looked up at the ceiling.

"I don't why you did what you did, and in truth, I don't wanna know. I don't want to know why you turned to drugs, or the real reason you...did that. I just know that...I forgive you. I was mad at both of us for all these years. You for leaving me, and me for making you leave. I never admitted it, but I blamed you for the pain I felt everyday since that horrible day. But no matter how mad I got, one thing never changed. I still love you Johny. And I miss you. You were a good brother, you protected me, stood up for me when I was bullied. You were there for me and Mom when Dad wasn't, and I'll always love you for that...And whatever it was that caused you to lose your way, I hope that you've found happiness wherever you are. I hope that you found some peace. Just wait for me big brother. Someday I'll see you again, and we are gonna share some stories, and we are gonna laugh...Take care bro. I love you."

With the weight of the world off of his shoulders, Jack walked back to hall. For the first time in weeks, he had finally gotten a peaceful sleep.


End file.
